Marvel Intelligence

If I have learned anything from living 21 years, it is that the things we do in life, work, school, relationships, friendships, drinking, doing drugs, writing, anything, is a learning experience. Being young and taking every thing in, you arent making mistakes but rather doing research. Because of my philosophy, I have taken my job and used it to learn things, about computers, about business, but mainly I have learned things about people. I have woked at Select-a-Seat for three years. In that time I have sold tickets to Im gonna say around four thousand people. That is alot of interaction with alot of different people. Out of those four thousand people, Im going to say 2500 of them were nice. Out of the 2500 nice people, Im gonna say 50 of them understood every word I said to them. If I have learned anything from my job, it is that intelligence is something to marvel. An intelligent person will listen to a commerical the entire way through before picking up the phone and asking twenty questions they could have learned from the commercial. An intelligent person will have a pen ready to write down what you say therefore ensuring the fact you wont have to repeat yourself four times. An intelligent person will be polite and patient. An intelligent person will remember why they are calling and will be as specific as possible with the questions because they know we are selling tickets to many different events, not just the one they want to go to. An intelligent person wouldnt ask if it was Select-a-Seat they were calling because they would hear us when we answer the phone "Select-a-Seat, how can I help you?". If the world were full of intelligent people, my life, my work and my being would be so much simpler. Please, fight the fight against stupidity, if not for my sake, for your own.

I know Im a Little Different

Im shorter than the average woman, I weigh more than the average woman, I have longer hair, smaller feet and a different kind of humor, I talk to my dogs and think that maybe one day, they might talk back to me. I am different than most, and I know this. I love this about me. I love not looking like every other girl that attends Texas Tech University. The problem with me being a little different is social interaction. Specifically the humor I find in akward situations. There is nothing I love more than ending a seemingly entertaining conversation with a "so you like to have sex with monkeys sometimes?" or "o yeah and then his dog died". It is these odd little quirks about my personality that I'd like to think make my friends love me. I think I noticed at an early age that I was different. I always would act a little different than everybody, make up songs and tasteless jokes, and I would always go beyond the point of cute, straight to annoying and then keep on truckin. This idea of individualism continued through junior high, highschool and straight into college.

My sophomore year of college my family took a trip over thanksgiving to San Francisco. My grandmother had died the previous January and we took the holiday as an opportunity to visit my uncle who lived in the area. Normally we would have seen him at my grandmothers house over thanksgiving but given the situation, that wasnt gonna happen. My parents invited my boyfriend, David, along for the fun of it. About five years earlier my dad took me and my siblings so this was just another trip for us but, David had never been to San Francisco and my mother hadnt been since she was a kid so we still got to do all the great touristy things that you can do there. We visited the Warf, ate chowder out of sour dough bowls, saw the Golden Gate Bridge, we went to Coit Tower, drove up HWY 1, rode on the street cars, saw the painted ladies, bought chocolate from Ghirardelli almost everyday we were there, we also visited the Pacicfic beach and ate lunch at a great resturant that looks over the ocean. We drank in San Francisco like we were alcoholics and it was the only thing that could ebb our craving. Probably the best thing we did while we were there was visit Muir Woods. It was so cool that day but not cold enough to need a heavey coat. I dont know if you have ever been to Muir Woods, but it is so serenly quiet there, the air is so pure and crisp and there is something about fresh air that just makes you feel alive. Standing around giant thousand year old trees really puts things in perspective. Im not entirely sure why I acted the way I did that day, maybe it was the fresh air, or too much oxygen in my brain, maybe it was the fact that I was around the five people I love most in my life, maybe it was the video camera my brother was carrying around, maybe it was the coffee I drank that morning, because I normally dont drink coffee. Im not sure what it was but for some reason I was so individual that day, and I wasnt just regular individual, I was Pam individual. I was hopping around the woods, making up songs, cracking jokes, laughing so loud because it was so quiet there and I felt that everyone needed to hear how much fun I was having. Then my brother busted out the video camera, Im a natural born performer, so of course I had to be on and I was so ON. The clean air must make it easier for you to think cause I was being witty and funny and energetic and it makes for great home video watching now. My parents decided cause I had so much energy that we would take an easy hike around the woods on one of the trails, so we got to hiking. I led the group part of the way and the rest of it I walked at the back so that everybody could hear the fun songs I was singing. My little sister got so annoyed with me that she begged my parents to make me shut up for at least 5 minutes. I took the challenge willingly and failed miserably. We left Muir Woods and I instantly feel asleep on our drive up Highway 1 but I had a spectacular time, being me, and loving the people I was with. We made our way back to the city that evening, ate dinner at some resturant, I dont remember which one, we walked through down town and went shopping. The end of the week came sooner than we had all hoped and by monday we were back to our usual routines. That week is one of the best weeks of my enitre life thus far. The pictures say it all. Every picture that was taken we were happy, we were all happy. I know that we all left part of our hearts in San Francisco, and we will go back one day to retrieve that piece but no matter how many times we go back those moments will never be created again. It truly was a moment of vanishing love. Im glad it happened but I know I will never have those exact feelings again.

In Love and in Love with Things that Vanish

So, I have an assignment due on the 29th, it is suppose to be an autobiographical sketch about a moment in my life when I was compleatly myself, when I was "in love and in love with things that vanish". I dont get that, I cant think of a single time time when I was, in love and in love with things that vanish, I dont even know what that means, to me, it doesnt mean anything, it doesnt talk to me, it doesnt reach out to me, nothing screams in my head "THIS IS WHEN YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH THINGS THAT VANISH"......it just doesnt, so... this is the best thing I can come up with at the moment.

Everybody has that teacher. The one that picks on you, the one that treats you like a little kid even though you are totally mature. The teacher that everybody makes fun of and thinks of a name, that sounds just like his but makes it mean because he is such an unwiped asshole. In my time, I have had a couple of these teachers. The one that reamains engrained in my memories like a designed burned in wood is Mr. Rounds. He was a portly man, who wore glasses that looked like they belonged in 1985, he combed over the 4 straglers left on his head and he had a big nose. His wardrobe was something to marvel, he wore the short sleeve nerd jerseys, or least thats what we called them. Nerd jerseys are short sleeve button down shirts, and he wore them with short ties, probably clip on. He was the type of man that probably smelled like cooked cabbage and onions, or at least looked like he did. Luckily I never got close enough to actually smell him. With a name and image like that I will let you imagine what we came up with for nicknames. Mr. Rounds was a bad teacher, there is no way around it. He entered the classroom every morning with a loud, and quite abnoxious "Good Morning Class" and we had to anwser, as a class in unison "Good morning Mr. Rounds. We are winners......" which was suppose to escape our lips with enthusiasm but usually trailed off into fits of huffs and puffs about being in science class. Needless to say, I wasnt the only one that didnt like Mr. Rounds. One time, he lost an assignment, a big assignment that I had worked my ass off on, and then, he BLAMED IT ON ME!! What kind of teacher does that, at least my mother was on my side for that one. I would say it was no big deal that he did this because most of the time I wouldnt turn in the assignment and then blame it on the teacher by telling my parents they must have lost it. But in this case, with this particular teacher, I really did turn it in. In addition to having a bad teacher, my eighth grade year, I was under the influence of bad friends. I was going through my rebellious stage, I wasnt gonna take no shit from nobody especially authority figures.

Thats all I have so far...it is suppose to make it to 1000 words, and honeslty I only think I have maybe 300 more....I dont know...maybe I will think of another time when I was in love and in love with things that vanish....what does that even mean?

What would you do?

It seems that all of my inspiration this semester is going to come from my writing class so here goes another one.

In my writing class today, we were talking about journalism, because journalism in itself is a kind of creative non-fiction. Anyway, we were suppose to have read this story by a BBC journalist named John Simpson. His story was about The Tiananmen Square Massacre in the early 90's. Im not entirely sure what the point of his story was but the point we focused on in class was should a journalist interfere with what s/he is reporting? and if so when is the time to interfere? There was a couple of different answers from around the class room, some people saying yes, others saying no, some saying it is dependent upon what the interference will do, if it will help or hinder the situation. In this particular case, John Simpson saved the life a solider the demonstrators were beating to death, he stopped a young man from killing the solider with a brick by beating his head in, a kind of death I would like to avoid at all costs. This idea of interference really got me thinking. Is it ok to interfere or should one let the events play out for the sake of history, the news, a good story, whatever the circumstances may be? I think had I been in a situation similar, watching lone soldiers being dragged out of their armed vechicle and beat to death, and not just to death but past death, once they were dead the demonstrators kept beating, until skulls cracked and brains fell out, until faces were unrecognizable, until there was nothing left but a bloody pulp of what use to be a human, I wouldnt have stopped it. My reasoning is different than for the sake of news. I wouldnt have stopped what was happening because I am a weak person, if the majority is doing it I wouldnt speak out, especially if I am the minority. I wouldnt have stopped just for fear of them turning on me. I probably never would have been there in the first place because I take the safe route. I have always taken the safe route and I will probably continue to take the safe route for the rest of my life. Living my life this way leaves me with tons of questions, what could have been? Would I have had more fun? Would the people around me have enjoyed themselves more and I contemplate all of these things until the next chance arises and I once again dont take the opportunity and end up doing it all again.....it is a vicious circle. Anyway I venture from my point. The main question I come on here to ponder, to ask hypothetically, rhetorically and literally, however you want to take it, is would you have stopped it? Would you have stopped a demonstrator from beating a solider to death? Would you have stopped filming when you saw people jumping out of the twin towers on 9/11? Would you have demanded that the helicopter pilot pick hurricane katrina surviors up? Or would you have thought this is history, news, a good story and let a solider die, watch people plundge to their deaths and leave people to die of starvation and dehydration?

Staying Alive

for those of you who dont know, I am currently trying to obtain a bachelors degree in english with a focus in creative writing. My one writing class this semester is creative non-fiction. My professor's name is Dennis Covington. I think he is a beautiful writer and a very intelligent man. Interesting too. Our assignment for today was to read an exerpt from Alive. You know the story about the plane that crashes in the Andies and the guys end up eating people in order to stay alive. Anyway he asked us to write out a reponse to the part of the story we read and say what we would do if it was the same situation. My response went a little something like this:

Its easy to say I would never eat people. Im not fond of the idea but I think that if it came down to it I would. I would much rather eat a friend than a complete stranger if I could choose. I say this because I would be able to explain to my friends family why I ate their loved one. I would be able to help them understand that I did it out of utter desperation. I think it would have more closure than eating a complete stranger. If you ate a stranger lord only knows what their family would say. They might think you were a savage or dicusting person, and I would have this void in me with the lack of finality that explaining why I did it would bring. The only reason I would ever consider eating a person would be for survival and survival only. Of course there are questions that arise out of making the decision to eat people. Could I physically pull apart another human beings body? perpare it to eat? eat it raw if neccessary? The answers to all of these from a girl sitting in an air conditioned room, surrounded by intelligent, well educated people, with plenty to eat is no. From where I am now, I would say that I can not physically pick apart another person's body or cook it or eat it raw, the thought of it churns my stomach. Come to think of it, I dont even know what part of the person would be best to eat, which part, if any holds the most nutritional value so that I could eat as little people as possible. Also by eating people, am I just prolonging the enevitable? If by eating these people would I be able to ward of death long enough to be found or would I die any way? And if I did die would I be the next to be eaten by my survivors? But I think if it really came down to it, and I was stranded in the andies with nothing to eat, straving and freezing to death, I would eat the people who died around me. But really even the thought of eating bugs makes me want to puke....let alone people.

Highschool

I graduated from highschool early. I was scheduled to gradute highschool in '03 because I started my school career in 1990. However, the closer we got to 2003 the more I wanted to graduate early. The second semester of my junior year of highschool, I decided that I would graduate early. The downfall to deciding this late was that I wouldnt get to walk in May with all the other '02 graduates, I would have to attend summer school and walk in a small cermony in August of '02. I told myself that this was ok, and to be perfectly honest Im still ok with it. When asked back then why I decided to graduate early I told people that I wanted to get to college faster, I only had one actual class left to take, why waste a whole year when I could finish it in six weeks over the summer. So, I did this. I told everyone that was the reason I was leaving early and basically the only reason I was leaving early. That was a lie. There were so many reasons for me wanting to leave highschool early. Its true, I did want to be out of there and start college and all that good crap, but I also felt that to keep my new found relationship I needed to be in the same place he was. Another reason for leaving early was I had to find an end to the chaos I was experiencing.

Junior year of highschool was full of drama, betrayl, sex, lies, vicious rumors, it was my soap opera. Lets rewind to the end of sophomore year. My best friend had a crush on David our entire sophomore year, by May of '01 they were dating. I had a small crush on David but knew it was out of the question, afterall, she was my bestfriend. There was a catch to their relationship and I played an intregal part. She wasnt allowed to have a boyfriend or date according to her mother. I was the middle man. When they wanted to see each other she was "hanging out with me". She also didnt have a car, or a license and I or one of our other friends was the transportation between the two of them. I didnt mind this. She was my friend, I would have done anything to help her out. Their relationship was a summer romance. Come fall whatever had been felt had fizzled out and the relationship found its demise. Over the period of time they dated, I became friends with David and just because they were no longer talking to each other didnt meant I wanted to sevre all ties with him, so I talked to him on the sly, keeping a friendship with him while sparing the feelings of my suffering friend. Slowly but almost inevitably we gave in to the unsermounted sexual tension. I felt so conflicted because it was only a matter of time before everything came tumbling down around me, good news travels fast. I loved my friend, but I felt this sort of connection with David I had never had before. I didnt have any idea if I should tell her, or try to hide it. I went with the typicall painful, young, naive decision to hide it. Because of this decision, I lost one of my best firends. Im truly sorry for what I did to her, for not telling her myself, in my own words, Im sorry that she had to hear it from someone that wasnt me, Im truly sorry for the rift I caused between me and all of my close dear friends. But at the same time, how can I be sorry for pursuing something that in my heart I knew would work out, how can I apologize for almost 4 years of a very good, healthy relationship. Because of this conflicting feeling inside of me and all of the hateful things being said, rumors about how I was the reason the split up or how I was a big easy slut because that is the only reason he would like me. Hateful things being said behind my back and then none of the people that I thought were my friends standing up for me but instead helping the spread of the rumors caused this feeling of total loss. I had no control over the situation. I took hold of the only thing I knew how to hold. I turned to my eating habits. I suddenly lost close to 30 lbs in less that six weeks. I didnt eat breakfast, I would eat a quarter of my lunch, a salad for dinner, no snacks no soda only water and as little food as I could make it on. I dropped 6 sizes with in two months. And instead of people being concerned for my health and well being, people told me I looked good. There were a few times that people "interviened" my friends speaking out of concern at lunch when I only ate 2 bites of my sandwich but I was blind to what I was doing. I didnt think I was anorexic. I thought I was on a diet. I wasnt hungry all the time and that to me was enough of an explanation as to why I was eating so little. The biggest surprise about it was that my family were the ones who praised me the most for losing the weight and getting so skinny. In later conversations with my mom she said she thought I was just trying to look nice for David. I continued to loose weight and drop pants sizes because I still lacked control over the situation. I finally decided that graduating early would be a way to get out of the day in and day out misery that had become my life and also keep David my only saving grace. It was when I graduated early and wasnt around everyday that I learned who my true, real friends were. Very few of them kept up with me but thank god for the ones who did. I couldnt have been happier for the friendships that spawned out of such a hardening year.

Even after writing all this and explaining it to potentially the entire world, if people ask me I will still tell them that I graduated early to get started in the real wold sooner. It truly amazes me how much difference one year can make.